Ads. . .

I'm really curious to know what the next frontier of advertisement will be. Mainly because I'm already going crazy with how much more obtrusive and sneaky they are making the bastards... that mixed with my unpredictable internet, and massive amounts of internet tabs I generally have open it can create quite a ruckus.

I remember when I was younger I'd put on some of those looping Weebl & Bob cartoons or something similar and let it loop continuously, then open another 8 or 16 tabs, put on the same video at different times and feel myself slowly slipping into insanity as the children's laughter increases in pitch and intensity and your head explodes.

Not quite there, but I'd get pretty close. Sadly I'd take that over some of these ads any day. And that's just one on their own, I'd rather find a way to turn that noise solid and eat it for the rest of my life than deal with the way some of these ads build up on each other and cause just as much insanity if not more.

One of the sites I frequent, like... every 15-30 minutes is a forum and on the main page of that forum it lists all of the different sub-forums for discussion. The home page is quite large, a great portal to the other information, shows hot topics, new ones, important ones, etc. I tend to forget I leave this page open and check on it every now and again. Unfortunately, hidden 3/4 of the way down there's usually a 2"x2" box that after the page sits dormant for about 5 minutes will start playing, and way louder than anything else.

If you've ever been trying to watch an interesting or in-depth Youtube video or something of the like, or are reading, and all of a sudden you have some male voice blasting through your speakers in some unconceivable language until you tune in a little and realize it's a solicitation and that demonic voice you were convinced of is actually just trying to sell you sweet, innocent Air Wick. Sweet. Innocent. Air Wick.

Airwick: Peddling Good Smellin' Evil since the '50s

Okay so we've got the ad that lays dormant, waits until you least expect it and then BLASTS a ridiculous advertisement for something that only an 80 year old woman would even consider buying. And that's if even she can get over the demonic possession of solicitation they use.

On top of that there are the most God forbidden ones I can imagine... the smiley ads that talk to you. Or, more like humiliate and shame you because you pissed yourself after hearing 5 smileys simultaneously make a kissing gesture, bark, yell, and bitch at you about not checking your mail that whirls together into a Transformable Tomas Voltron of Smily Hell. I know he's the ring leader around the whole thing, just look at his smug chest.

Can't forget to add the ads that come up in a new window upon your first visitation of a site, and instantly greets you with despair as a "live cam" window pops up, and you are presented with one of the most scantilly dressed transexual cam performers that ever escaped the circus. And here they are, blasted right onto your screen for all to see. You know when you get one of these, you've gone to the wrong site and as much 'X' mashing as you can muster won't let you escape.

But it doesn't trap you as bad as my least favorite example. Don't you love the ads that let you view a page for a second, get you all comfortable then snatch anything you held onto away from you by redirecting you to a completely unrelated page, force you to wait 2 minutes while a terrible ad loads, blasts a crappy slogan and presents you with an application to apply to the glorious, respected online university of Ham Sandwich: Fine Teaching Institution of Mayo Clinic, Meatbonanza Arena, and Lettuce Be Lovers Group for Bread bakers Pride and Union. Very prestigious! You can tell as they have a rounded ad, crappy music, happy people with huge white teeth and books! Lots of books!

Always on the forefront of Technology

You've seen past the guise of HSU, laughed in triump and go to close the ad when... there's no close button. Anywhere. You've scoured past the false promises, made up testimony and avoided giving your e-mail and phone number to a group who will call you 5 times a day from different 1-800 #'s and never leave a voicemail. You oughta get a damn medal for getting this far.

You've scoured the ad twice, and now a third time and there's no close button. You go back, try to load the website again, it starts to load, stutters, and displays the same ad. With no close button. I JUST NEED TO CHECK MY SHOPPING ORDER, PLEASE DEAR GOD LET ME THROUGH!! No luck. The ad has won. Give up and wait, because you aren't gonna be able to get a customer service # with that ad there, either.

I think I've worked out possibly the most harmful virus to sanity of man, if pulled off correctly. If you can convince someone to go onto your personal relations website with the intent of digging through it, you're halfway there. They hop onto the URL and first thing they get an offer to video chat with other users. Sweet! Let's check out luver_kitten12 OH MY GOD IS THAT A LEG, OR AN ARM?!? Oh god is that its face, and why is it wearing that low cut shirt?!? The panic sets in, they close that window to have an ad for Ham Sandwich University pop up. This is relieving as they've been looking at getting an education, and who doesn't like sandwiches? They put all their info on... and on second thought after submitting the first application aren't so comfortable with giving out your personal, professional, and academic information to a website claiming to give you full certifications for Subway. Too good to be true, they 'skip to your original destination' to be greeted by a too innocent looking cartoon character promising happiness and laughter.

As soon as they start feeling the waves of acceptance and communication emanating from the Comcast box, they're ready to create an account. But not before a new ad pops up requiring them to 'Put in yur cell fone # to kno whu yur crush islololol!!!1!!11!?' ... wow, already people wanna party with me. Sure I'll give you my # baby, good thing I don't check my phone bill.

You settle down, and write your about me. As soon as you finish, you take a look around. Wow, first search and there's 150 supermodels in your area that wanna bang young white dudes that don't have money so they can feel better about their wealth. Perfect!!! I'd write a message...but I dunno if I'll look cool enough. Wait a minute, if I get a smily that YELLS how cool I am AND it wears sunglasses, they'll definitely do me!!!! I'm downloading those NOW. Now that I've got that installed, I had better check my online banking to make sure I can afford to buy them a hot balloon ride for a first date. And enough to be sure on my second date I can afford a ring. My life is gonna be complete in like a week!!!


And thus you have the ULTIMATE ad hell. Yeah.